How can we improve our relationships and become good partners?

Healthy relationships are crucial for our physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being. https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/Strong-relationships-strong-health

Yet we often struggle to connect, which is no fault of our own!! Many of us were raised with false messages and poor role-models (in media, perhaps at home). Our public education does little to teach social and emotional intelligence, so without a different blue print, we struggle as a society. The evidence of this is stark right now........

So what do we do? How do we "unlearn" old patterns of conditioning, and engage with ourselves (and others) differently? Though not comprehensive, here are a few themes to keep in mind:

The first need is to be happy with oneself (most of the time).  Do a self-assessment; outside of your primary relationship(s), how do you feel about other aspects of your life?    What do you personally feel good about? What do you feel is lacking? What can you do to feel more healthy, content, or inspired? Be really honest with yourself; otherwise, we tend to blame our partner for our discontent, when it isn’t really about them.

The second need is to work on our ability to respond, versus react, to stress.  This isn’t about anyone or anything outside of ourselves.  We cannot control what happens to us, but as we mature, we need to learn to have more self control.  Reactivity is not attractive; it doesn’t feel stable, emotionally safe, or admirable.  So if part of your personal work is to deal with a reactive tendency, then be honest and begin to do the work (I can help point you in the right direction if needed).  The ability to respond vs. react is a huge piece in the development of trust in relationships. 

The third need is to learn to be constructive during times of conflict. Conflict is not an enemy!!! All growth requires some tension, so don't equate conflict with something negative; it doesn't have to be. Relationships have cycles, moving through reciprocity, rupture, and repair. All healthy relationships have periods of “rupture”....where we unintentionally upset others (since we are different people, with different triggers and perspectives).  This is “normal”, and actually can lead to closer relationships AS LONG AS THERE IS REPAIR.  So how do we do that?

One requirement is to genuinely care about the other person involved.  If you do not, then we need to be honest about that (and talk about the damage which created this detachment, and whether it is salvageable). 

If you do genuinely care about this person, show it.  Listen with curiosity. ASK QUESTIONS. Truly try to understand how they feel and why. DO NOT argue that they are wrong, give unsolicited advise, OR TRY TO MAKE THEM FEEL BETTER!!! Your only agenda is to listen and empathize; show that you care how they feel ("I'm so sorry this is happening, is there anything I can do?").  This level of attunement WILL make them feel better.

If their upset involves you, then apologize that there was a mistake/misunderstanding (since upsetting the other is probably never your intention).  Mean it. Don't justify. Express that you care, that you're glad they shared, and that you will reflect on the misstep so it won't occur again. Be genuine in your feelings and any expressed commitments.

If you are the one upset, express your feelings in a constructive way. Timing and tone are everything.   Make requests vs. complaints. IE: "I feel (emotion) when/because (xx) and so I am asking (xxx).

Remember....it isn’t about who is right and/or wrong...it is about feelings and intentions.  Seek understanding.  Look for compromise. Seek support if an issue feel unsolvable. We can often move through gridlock within a skillful container.

To summarize, we create more healthy relationships when we :

1) Do a personal inventory and decide if we need to make any personal changes (join a new group, class, hobby, service project whatever! Make sure you feel good about how you spend your time).  

2) Review how you handle stress, and commit to doing the work to respond in a way that is respectable and trustworthy.

3) Listen with curiosity and show you genuinely care about the others' experience and feelings. 

4) Express your own needs in terms of requests; be constructive in timing, tone, and semantics.

There are plenty of excellent resources to support this process; let me know if you are needing some guidance. I am a Marriage and Family Therapist with years of professional training and experience; I am also a woman who has been through this process myself, and am so grateful for the healthy relationships I now enjoy.